So, in the regular group I am in our GM is taking a break, and so the rest of us are taking turns running one-shot adventures in our own particular style, although mostly following the house rules of Ten Foot Polemic.
This one is mine, and exists primarily as a recap for the players (both those who made it and those who couldn't), this is of course an abbreviated retelling, however for those interested (or masochistic) enough to listen to three hours of unedited table talk it can be found here.
Characters:
Doctor Plagueis: failed pawnbroker turned Plague Doctor with a fine grasp of "Surprise Surgery"
Priam the Wildman: A former bowyer who has turned to become a circus geek with the ability to consume anything he can conceivably fit down his esophagus (Specialist with 5/6 in the skill "Eat")
On a world which is an Orrery...
The characters have been rounded together by the large, florid, and incredibly sanguine man representing himself as Captain Bucktholemew Rogers. Having secured their services with the promises of immense riches, as Capt. Rogers apparently knows of the location of a great treasure: a fallen star. These great celestial beings are treasures of themselves, great giants whose skin is platinum, whose ichor is molten gold, and whose hearts are rubies as large as a man's head. Much sought after by myriad of peoples for their material value, and supposed mystical properties of those who consume them. The Captain has also intimated that he has a complex and detailed plan to entrap this star, without facing the dangers that it presents as a massive metal golem, one that is secret but that each of his trusty band with have a precise role to play in.
Our merry band find themselves in the remote settlement of Beörnburg, a wooden palisaded town at the end of a long corded road of felled pines. The rain lashes down and the streets are turned to mud between the rough wooded dwellings. However, our heroes find themselves safe in the warm confines of a well built tavern. Captain Rogers has thrown wide his coffers and is treating all his band to one last night of revelry in civilization before setting off into the wilderness, spare no expense of course, for after this journey they shall all be rich!
Food and beverages are consumed in plenty. Doctor Plagueis filling his available bottles and jars with spirits. Much of this newly discovered "larger" is swilled by all and sundry, especially in a drinking contest between Priam and Captain Rogers which the Wildman wins hands down due to the Captain's inability to shut up for two minutes at a stretch. The local economy is inquired into, and is revealed to be based mostly on the hunting of the local bear population for their pelts. Many drinks are bought, and promises of future monies laid on in order to acquire goods from other tavern denizens. Plagueis gets himself a bear pelt to defend against injury along with a tinder, flint, and candle, and Priam a giant mantrap with the idea of using it as some form of flail in times to come as well as a woodsman's axe. As promises to the locals grow in improbability the evening begins to descend into a confuzing beery haze...
Captain Rogers has indeed spared no expense, including (for some great consideration) evicting the tavern owners from their private room to accommodate himself and his companions. Priam and Plagueis have vague visions of tumbling onto straw beds, at some point coming around to the amorous romping of Captain Rodgers and a local lady of the evening before drifting off again into merciful oblivion, and being woken once more by his deafening snores. Mostly, however, the night passes in blissful oblivion.
As the first light of dawn begins to break through the shuttered windows, the party wakes with heads afire with the aftereffects of excessive drinking, muzzily groping towards consciousness. Cartoonish descriptions of hangovers abound! However, it creeps into the minds of our adventurers that there is no sound of snoring, yet the bulk of Captain Rogers remains splayed upon the bed. After a cursory inspection, and a poke with his pointy doctor stick, Doctor Plagueis determines that the Captain is dead drunk. Although the more astute Priam determines that dead dead would be a better description. Cause of death: apoplexy.
At that point a great pounding of fists besets the door to the room, as a crowd of rather irate locals demand that it is time to settle the bill from the night prior, which with all the various grand promises from the previous night seems to have amounted to one thousand gold pieces. A quick search of the room locates Captain Rogers' purse, which seems suspiciously devoid of money. The one thing it does contain is a map.
The knocking at the door becomes more insistent, as do the cries for payment from the crowd. The door is, for the moment, locked but probably will not hold for long. Luckily there is the eternal escape hatch of a window, and the good Doctor devises the perfect ruse: set a fire and run in the opposite direction. The bedclothes and mattresses are piled upon the late Captain, and an impromptu viking funeral is arranged. Priam posits that flaming bedding hurled at the door will delay the mob, unfortunately setting fire to himself in the process of managing to retrieve some. One loincloth is marked off from Priam's character sheet.
Doctor Plagueis jumps out the window, and lands poorly. Priam decides to clamber down the rather easy to descend outer wall rather than to be dramatic about it. Outside the tavern, a large group of hungover trappers with drunkenly promised IOUs mill around and spot the duo as they emerge from the building (along with a large and obvious pillar of smoke).
Priam attempts to hold the map hostage, however the angry mob does not seem to understand the value of the paper and simply cries "Get him!" Priam proceeds to follow through on his threat, and chows down on the precious parchment!
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| Kudos to Priam's player for actually taking a bite out of the thing |
Doctor Plagueis comes to the rescue and snatches the map out of his grasp before it can be entirely emasticated, and the two start to flee from the irate townsfolk. The Doctor, having some experience in running from angry mobs, streaks ahead easily outpacing the mob. Priam, however, is targeted by three shortchanged beartrappers and is cornered into an alleyway, laying the beartrap behind him. The first pursuer has his legs taken off at the knee in a Tarantinoesque shower of blood, however the other two continue to charge in. Villager bloodrage delivers an almighty beatdown to Priam, knocking him prone and close to death, despite their poor weaponry.
Luckily, the Doctor is ready to return to help hurling forth one of his Doctor Potions whilst simultaneously hitting one of the peasants with a knife. Priam hacks off the legs of the nearest trapper, earning the sobriquet Priam the Foot-Taker, and chugs down the nearby potion... which is revealed to be a sedative which helps him shrug off his wounds but makes his head rather fuzzy.
The chase continues as out heroes break forth, gaining a brief reprieve, and enough time to surprise and murder the last of the beartrappers with a knife to the eye from fifty feet. However, the pursuing mob utilize the tricksy ways of locals, and overtake them using shortcuts. The Doctor proving himself a perfect sniper, whilst Priam efficiently chows down on a new potion and immediately sprouts WOLVERINE CLAWS! As Priam slices through the first villager (wasting some time on foot taking), the mob breaks in panic.
Priam, using his newly developed claws, catclimbs over the town's palisade only to immediately succumb to the sedative. As the town bell begins to ring in general alarums, Doctor Plagueis approaches the gate guard, covered in blood and adorned with a terrifying Doctor mask, and in a low and menacing growl exclaims "I've killed a man will you be next?" The poor guard flees in terror, leaving his halberd behind. With a new polearm and an open town gate before him Plagueis strolls out, and drags Priam off into the woods.
In the dark gloomy woods, possibly being tracked by irate hunters, traipsing through sodden undergrowth, and with no real idea of where they are headed (other than possibly northish?) Doctor Plagueis starts a campfire, and starts drinking illicitly purloined spirits. Priam eventually regains consciousness still under the effects of sedative, and is on about the same level as a rather blitzed Plagueis.
Climbing a tree reveals that there are a lot of trees around here and some hills in the distance, which is helpful as it aligns to the map. Figuring that "Northish" is as good a way as any, the pair set off towards the hills. Priam wipes behind their trail with a pine branch, which does obscure their tracks but leaves a very obvious trail of swept earth.
The sun starts to set, but wandering through the woods completely sky-clad has had an adverse effect on Priam, and needs doctoring! Potions are applied to mouth, and the result is... 13 bonus hitpoints and Priam is SO FUCKING FULL OF BEANS! Marching through the night carrying the Doctor, Priam strides on throughout the night and upon the next morning the party find themselves amongst the hills.
Luckily there is a clearing atop the hill, and a great deal of the surrounding landscape is seen. A distant structure with a tattered flag? A large and mysterious swampland? A tiny whisp of smoke in the distance... Starfall? There is also a small cave at the bottom of the hill, a debate is had about "checking it out on the way back" but it is decided that time could be spent brewing potions (after the GM forgot his own rules about potion brewing times), and nothing could attack from within a cave... right?
The cave is deep, dark, and narrows towards the rear. It does seem an ideal hideout for bandits, or possibly murderers on the run. Skittering of small animals is heard within but deeper investigation is deemed too risky, and thus Doctor Plagueis sets up his makeshift apothecarium near the cave entrance whilst Priam the Wildman keeps a wary lookout a candle set deep within the cave as an early warning. Surely nothing could go wrong at this juncture.
Sounds continue within the cave, but are discounted on the basis of not interrupting the Doctor at his important tasks. Suspicions are roused when the candle vanishes, and alarms are roused as Doctor Plageuis vanishes! Priam swears he just took his eyes off him for a minute. Desperate to rescue his traveling companion and chief substance supplier, Priam launches himself blindly deeper into the cave.
The Doctor focused on bubbling vials and suspicious looking powders, is taken unawares as a bag is rudely thrust over his head and dragged off down the tunnel. Don't split the party! Especially not when there are only two of you! Small clawed hands grab and pull him along, although he struggles against his child sized captors his efforts prove useless against so many. He overhears some sort of hissing, clicking, snarling pseudo-language amongst his captors, but not anything he understands.
Priam follows the muffled cries of the Doctor into the pitch black, his mighty form forced along hands and knees in the small tunnel. He lets out an intimidating growl as he begins to hear the hissing of the enemy.
The Doctor meanwhile has the bag lifted off his head, but it is still in pitch blackness. Small hands pat the cool Doctor mask, and queries in the unknown language are shouted at him. Fortunately one of the creatures seems to know a small amount of common language and haltingly asks "What...Are...You?" Plagueis introduces himself as the important Doctor he is, offering some weird smelling herbs and leeches as evidence of his profession. The creatures seem not to have heard of "Doctors", and demand he stop his "Pet" that is following them. However, no-one is immune from the powers of the scary Doctor mask.
The creatures scatter, and fire back with small crossbows from the darkness. Priam weathers the fire, and bulls through to help Doctor Plagueis by wrestling a small scaly creature off of him. A tense standoff with the hostage permits their departure, although the small things insist on keeping the Doctor's moneybag (still filled with silver from his pawnbroking days) insisting they have a claim on the "starblood."
The term intrigues the Doctor, and negotiations are entered into about help in taking down the star. The creatures are confuzed as to why the Doctor with his glass eyes cannot see in the dark, and so propose to "fix" it for him. Bringing forth a small metal rimmed glass disk that with a whine seems to reveal the cave in luminescent shades of green and black. With finally a good look at the creatures, reveals them to be Kobolds. Hostages are released, and a new temporary alliance is formed!
After some squabbling over the map six small lizard people, equipped with dark goggles for the harsh midday sun, begin to accompany them. They guide Priam and Plagueis through the hills for some days. The Doctor becoming fascinated with the culture of the small dragonfolk, and Priam being much admired for his claws along the way. Eventually, the smoking hill is reached.
As they approach the crest of the hill the adventurers note from the safety of the treeline a giant, golden, glowing golem that stands at the centre of a charred crater, singing up at the sky. The most prudent thing would be, claims Priam, to drink highly experimental Doctor juice before going into battle against this monstrosity and toasts to the end of days with the Wildman. Plagueis suddenly spurts twenty metres of hair growth from every follicle, whilst Priam seems to have gone on the trip of his life by ingesting a strong hallucinogen.
Pipes or no, the kobolds and Plagueis attempt to swarm the giant and wrestle it to the ground. The giant star throws the assailants aside easily, as the collection of pipes at the star's shoulders begin to spin, belch fire, and emit a sound as to the hammers of the gods. Earth erupts around the crater, and several kobolds are cuts down into red mist, as the futuristic weaponised appendages deal out indiscriminate firepower. Fortunately the Doctor and Priam fall prone in time to avoid the fire as the treeline behind them is shredded to splinters.
It was time for a daring and, dare be said, suicidal ploy. Priam being beset by demons on all sides but seeing golden light before him attempts to eat the sunrise, sinking his teeth into the great glowing thing in front of him. Priam feel the glowing warmth of molten gold run down his gullet, as others see him take a hearty bite out of the star. Doctor Plagueis, drawing on all his powers of intimidating bedside manor, commands the star to sleep! The star, somehow astounded by this performance, seems stunlocked... just the time for some surprise surgery!
Climbing atop the temporarily petrified enemy, Plagueis draws on his literal weeks of Doctor training to remove the head from the star. A bonesaw is employed to great effect, and in a burst of ichor the mechanical monster is decapitated.
A star has fallen!
Now I just have to find somewhere in this world for what they said they did with the immense wealth granted by a star carcass... So look forwards for the forthcoming posts on Wild Priam, the Carnival King of Zirkusburg and the Dragon Plagueis.
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