The Book That Is The World

So, one day my players were investigating an abandoned village. They looked through every room and wardrobe and asked what they found there. It was a few coins here and there, but mostly personal effects (to give the impression they just suddenly vanished). A locket, some amateur paintings of birds, a flower pressed between the pages of a book, a...

Player: What's the book?

Me: Oh, uh, it's a popular romance novel

Player: Cool! I want to read it, what does it say?

Me: Uh... Just then you hear a banging coming from the room down the hall! No time to read now, time to fight a rocktopus!

However, the player who kept the book kept coming back to wanting to read the story. So I had no choice but to pull something out of nowhere, and had to make it up as I went along. I incidentally found out that this was a great way to give a potted lore dump of the rest of my world (in case the players felt like going off anywhere else), and I have subsequently reused the book in other campaigns (but this time being prepared with the plot I half remember), as players always seem to want to know the story of the book they found. Plus, it is a nice "unreliable narrator" where anything could be going on, but an idea of how someone saw each of these places gives a tone.

Regula Sancti Benedicti, Bodleian Libraries, University of Oxford

The Romance of Rhomarra

Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Old Rhomarth where we set our scene ancient grudge breaks to new mutiny and civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes, a pair of star-crossed lovers take their life. [Look, I am a Shakespearean actor in real life, and the prologue is really easy to remember]. Iullus and Rhomarra, scions of the two warring factions of Old Rhomarth, first see each other from balconies overlooking the great river that runs through the ancient city. For many nights Iullus would brave the treacherous waters of the flood to visit Rhomarra by moonlight. 

Much of the first part of the book is split between the romance of the lovers, and a sort of paean to Rhomarth as a city and neglected jewel of the world. Once the seat of Empire and the Church, now abandoned in a futile rush towards novelty; these chapters have a lot of recriminating invective about the move of the Papacy from Rhomarth to Stonechurch. The war in the streets between the families grows to fever pitch, and when the lovers realise they will never be able to be together they stage an elaborate plan involving sleeping draughts and suicide. 

 

Fleeing Rhomarth in the wake of their feigned death they move to Fiammecitta; a city on a volcano famed for its glass and metalworking. The strange thing is that the city is ruled by a dog, and many silly interludes are concluded in which the couple realise that the foolish citizens will never realise the folly of making a dog their lord. This is probably a joke on "Doge" (the ruler's title in that city), the constant infighting of factions, the curious obsession with hound racing and dog fighting, and a general jibe at the inhabitants of the city being more credulous than their sophisticated neighbors to the south. After this they continue their journey north, with the idea to see the world. They cross the Teeth of Alphetus, it seems a very ham handed segue as there is a famous Dragon Road that passes by Vincenzia, however the author's grandmother was from a village in a Helvetican canton called "Han's Holdfast" and that is included as a matter of familial pride. This is also an excuse to work in mountain adventure stories of hardship and fortitude. 

 

The couple end up in Vasserbec, the Capital of the Holy Empire, where they impress the Imperator so with their wit in a riddling contest (which was the style at the time) that they are made a favourites of the Imperial court. Whilst Iullus is intoxicated by luxury, Rhomarra  discovers that there is a family that resents the couples' swift advancement, the Estrellens. The Imperial Court is represented as a nest of vipers, full of complex plots and schemes far removed from the honour and gentility of old. When an attempt is made upon the lives, despite foiling the plot and having the Imperator bring the perpetrators to justice, the couple decide to flee to the west. 

 

They pass through Mittenburg where all people are obsessed with building a clockwork ruler, since none of the local nobility are held to be worthy of the honour. The whole thing seems to be a further criticism against novelty, but implies that the city is indeed one of Clockpunk futurism. They continue on to the court of the King of Frankia; a large Kingdom of fruitful lands, full of noble Knights and Paladins. Iullus becomes a Paladin of the court of the King due to his shining nobility and courtly manners. The Paladins are heroes of incorruptible virtue, however there is a strong thread of satire running though this section and the paladins often seem credulous and foolish (although never corrupt or evil, simply naïve). This section of the novel digresses into more unconnected short stories of courtly knights and ladies, the slaying of Orges and jousting of wicked knights for the honour of ladies of the court.

 

There is one notable asides here where Iullus and Rhomarra journey to the northern isles of Loegria and Eire. Loegria being embroiled in a civil war for the Crown between great houses all of equal moral turpitude. This seems to be a comment on the character of Loegrian peoples, as well as a chance to throw the upright virtue of the Frankian Paladins into stark relief, as many of the despicable Loegrian nobles are both sharp and pragmatic. Eire, by contrast, being the island nation on the edge of the world is almost half there. A world of the fantastic populated by beings of myth and a primeval magic that has long ago faded from the rest of the world. Rhomarra and Iullus are even feasted in the Fey court, and it seems they may be taken away to fairy land, only to trick their way out at the last minute.

 

Back in the court of Frankia Rhomarra befriends a princess of the lands of Al Andalus and the couple is tasked with escorting her home. Al Andalus forms yet another shift in style of the narrative, and there is more of a focus on romanticism about freedom. It is a wild and lawless place of large arid plains under a hot sun. Independent towns far from centres of power, a great open frontier yet to be tamed, and a place for heroes to stand tall. After saving such a village from a villainous black clad bandit chief, and being awarded the rank of shire reeves in the town, the couple decide to relocate to the frontier. 

 

Upon traveling to one of the port cities of Al Andalus, which is connected to the great trade lanes of the Mare Nostrum, they become curious about the distant Golden Empire, and follow a ship to visit the palace of the Empress. It is an Ancient state, wealthy, decadent, and now in decline. At this point in their adventures Iullus and Rhomarra are renowned as noble adventurers due to their powerful friends and wide ranging travels, and are welcomed into the Imperial circles. Much is made of the Byzantine nature of the Golden Empire, and how mired in the past it is, making a stark contrast to the criticism of novelty which marked the first chapters. Rhomarra is appointed ambassador to the Imperial court, due to her experience there, but as the two set off their ship is attacked by pirates, and although they fight them off they find themselves driven ashore in the lands of Strygia. These are provinces in the East of the Holy Empire, a great shadow lours over the land, full of haunted forests, forbidding ruined keeps, ghouls, ghosts, vampires and werewolves. The tale takes a darker and more gothic tone, focusing on the elements of horror that the couple must face. Each adventure seems to sap their resources further, and a sort of terrible spiral ensues that ends with the couple certain to die chased down by a great pack of werewolves, until a great thundering is heard: the winged hussars! 

 

The couple find themselves in the Far Kingdom. The bulwark against the East and the people of the steppe a place of nobility and valour, famous for the winged hussars into whose ranks Iullus is inducted due to his innate nobility (there is a long passage where the Hussars discuss Iullus' appearance in not always flattering terms, but always concluding that such physical features are the stamp of noble families of the region). The couple eventually venture further north to the Duchy of Kievan Rus, Home of the Lord of Winter. They are honoured guests, but the new wife of the Lord of Winter is a member of the Estrellen family who have neither forgotten nor forgiven the upstart couple. In a rather dramatic turn, the Lady of Winter has Rhomarra poisoned. The crime is discovered and many catspaws punished, the Lady of Winter is never connected to the crime being outwardly mournful and caring (only whispering a taunting confession in Rhomarra's ear).

 

In an attempt to save her life Iullus takes Rhomarra through Mesopotamia, to Meggido: The Holy Land in the hopes that they might find a cure for her fatal poisoning. It is a place of miracles and mystery, and this section of the book seems more like a travel guide. Many famous places, sights, attractions, and buildings are described in detail, but very little happens of plot significance. Rhomarra continues to fade and on a bright sunny morning, looking out of the window, says that she wished she could see the streets of Rhomarth one last time. She dies as the sun rises.

Iullus is devastated, bereft of all hope. However he hears that in the land of Ægyptus, the Ancient land of lost Empire, within the Black Pyramid of the Lich King there lies a terrible dread machine that it is said can defeat death itself. Iullus struggles though many travails, bringing the corpse of his love with him, and fights his way into the depths of the terrible structure to find the forbidden machine. When he comes at last to its dark altar, he discovers that he can revive Rhomarra to life, but only at the cost of his own. Faced with the choice of sacrificing himself that she might live alone, living his life forever without his love, or joining her in death, he looks across the Nile as the sun rises, and makes his choice...

 

The ending was deliberately ambiguous, and my original group argued about what the decision of Iullus might be and what was the right choice for a good forty minutes. 

 

I think, now that I have much of the information consolidated in one place (partly I've written it down here as I thought it was a nice little trick, but mostly to remind myself of a lot of the names that I had for places), I would in future split the narrative up into separate parts. Occasionally sprinkling volumes throughout the world, and having NPC characters be fans of the work allowing player knowledge of the books be a way to get closer with NPCs and make them more receptive and friendly. Hopefully get them into the headspace of collecting them all. Every new town, village, and hamlet inspected for a bookstore. Every dungeon bookcase ransacked in order to find the elusive missing volumes of this story.

Or maybe they wouldn't bother, who knows!

On Elves

Elves of the Orrery are not the Elves of Tolkien, rather they are more accurately Changelings. (This idea is stolen whole cloth from Ten Foot Polemic: here, here, and here). They are intimately connected to the Fey.

Elves

Elves, as a whole, are pretty wondrous beings. They live and breathe magic to a degree unimagined by those who devote their lives to study. Magic to them is a natural thing, especially that magic which is their heart spell, that which was inscribed on their soul. This soul spell will determine largely how the Elf mutates as it grows in power, however all Elves have a few things in common.

What do your Elf Eyes see?
Elves are preternaturally alert, can see further and listen more keenly than humans, giving them +1 to their awareness.

Nasty, big, pointy teeth
Every Elf grows some sort of natural, generally animalistic defense. Sometimes this manifests as over-wide maws stretching across their faces and filled with savage needlepoint teeth, or their fingers elongate into razor sharp birdlike talons, or their bodies produce crystaline shards and carapaces of diamond hard rock, or maybe they just have, like, Wolverine's claws or something. In any case they have a bonus to hit and to damage of half their level.

Born of Magic
All Elves are natural magic users, they have a particular spell inside their heart that was sung into their bones at the moment of creation. They can always cast this spell, without spell slots, or mana, or anything. They speak to the world in the language it understands, and it always answers. The essentially human frame that is an Elf is too frail to hold more than one spell, so additional magics are learned in the same way that other magic users have to know them. This heart spell is a first level spell chosen (or randomly generated) at first level. This heartspell will begin to seep out into the world as the Elf grows in power, routinely generating minor magical effects around the elf related to their heartspell.

Changelings

Any similarities to existing games is purely coincidental. When someone is kidnapped by the Fey, they leave something behind in their place. Sometimes it is a simulacrum which believes itself to be the real person, sometimes a pale imitation which dies within days of the abduction, sometimes they are replaced with one of their own.

Not only do Elves return to their homes with a great deal of time difference (sometimes several centuries pass whilst they believe that they have been merely enjoying an evening of entertainments) the Elves are marked by their time with the Fey, magic inhabiting their very souls. Whether this be from a carelessly sung Fey song settling its magic deep into the bones of the visitor, the food of the Fey changing and binding their soul, or the Fey themselves vivisecting them for fun and writing a spell on their heart before sewing them back up and kicking them out. In any case, the experience invariably leaves the Elf incredibly traumatized, the lack of the knowledge of the song leaving a hole in their heart so deep that they will grieve forever at the loss and wish only to hear it once more, the taste of all other food turning to ashes in their mouths in comparison to the indescribable essence of true flavor, or waking up in cold sweats every night with the image of their own still pulsating organs laid own before them as a mad eyed fey looms over them coldly glinting scalpel in hand.

These are the most pitiful of all the Elves, often with no idea of what they have become. They return from their confusing and terrifying sojourn in the other lands changed often into bestial and terrifying forms. They return having been separated from their friends and families often for years (from one or the others perspectives), and even if they retain their human forms, they will never be at one with their people again. There is always something left in these Changelings of the wildness of the otherworld, a sort of extra depth of understanding. They will always add their level as a bonus to any check involving the wilderness and animal handling. 

Fairchilde

When a beautiful Fey wanders into the mortal realm, it is all too common for their weird and protean beauty and otherworldly air to ensnare the hearts and minds of many whom they encounter. If the Fey finds this mortal sufficiently interesting, yet for some reason does not immediately spirit them away to the Fey realm, they may end up with a souvenir from an evening of weird passion. The Fey have no clearly defined form or gender, and so may be the mother to one Fairchilde and the father to another.

A Fairchilde will not always know their nature, although they will certainly not know one of their parents. Sometimes their Elven nature will manifest itself at puberty (X-men rules, woo!), although a few especially unsettling Elves manifest their powers as children, and often retain that shape for their entire existence. Mostly, however, the expression of their Fey heritage will lie dormant in them for many years, although they will age much more slowly than their contemporaries, often appearing to be in the prime of youth well into their fourth decade. In these cases, it is often set off either by an encounter with the Fey (especially if their wayward parent appears to see how their young offspring is faring), or with some other incident of a magical nature.

The Fairchilde Elf will never become a true Fey (without finding some form of fire to burn out their mortal half), but their blood sings with magic and learning spells comes to them much more quickly than to humans. They will learn and transcribe spells in half the time it would take a human and add their level as a bonus to any check to understand magic or magical effects.

Ælfen Koenig

Inspired by the Late Great Galaxy Johnson of Ten Foot Precis. This is what happens when one of the Fey trapped in a crystal leaps out and takes control of a human body. These Elves are the most dangerous of all, for they have the potential to become as powerful as a true Fey, that is: Godlike.

Whilst initially no more powerful than the other sorts of Elves, as these folk grow in power in a different way. Their heart spell grows and changes with them. Instead of learning other spells, the awakened mind of the Koenig learns to change their heartspell subtly in order to accomplish different things. In rules terms it means that you cannot learn any spells which could not conceivably come from a change to your heartspell. A Koenig whose heartspell was sleep could perhaps draw on the power of dreams to create illusions, and conceal themselves in invisibility borne of half drowsy minds, but they could not learn how to shoot real fire from their hands or anything. A Koenig can only know as many spells as it has levels, however all of their spells count as Heartspells.

A Koenig, at the height of its power, is a terrible and splendid creature. Bound to the mortal plane, but instinctually speaking the language of the earth. No power is truly beyond its grasp.

 

Naga: Empires of the Serpent Kings

So, this whole idea was spawned by a few things. Firstly, the idea of a pre-existing society, a great lost Empire filled with power and wonder lost to the modern age. As remarked on by Matt Colville this is a pretty solid fantasy trope, and moreover, and underlying principle of D&D and Medieval Fantasy Roleplaying (there needs to be a lost Empire for there to be forgotten tombs full of loot). The idea of living in the shadow of bygone greatness is a staple of culture in Medieval Western Europe, with the architecture of the Romans being a marvel attributed to giants and other magics. 

Also, I really wanted to use Tomb of the Serpent Kings, so I needed Serpent Kings... and the first time I read it, I sort of thought all the serpent people mentioned were half snake. Plus, it was inspired by the lore of Legend of the Five Rings, Exalted, and from the Twilight Imperium RPG. As can be seen from other blog posts, all my best stuff is stolen from others.

The Naga

The Naga were a people of the age of the Dragons, and they built their great societies in the shadow of the draconic wing. As with the other dominant life forms of the period, they were of a primarily reptilian cast. It is uncertain whether the Naga lived in awe of the Dragons, if they warred against them, or if they simply tolerated them as an aspect of their world. The surviving representations of them do not seem to indicate that they worshiped Dragons as gods as the Kobolds do, preferring it seems to venerate their ancestors or perhaps living god-kings. The powers of the Naga were certainly great enough at their height to make war upon the Dragons, although there is no surviving evidence that they did so (although some clearly hunted for sport the great and terrible lizards that shared their lands).

Physically the Naga were serpent featured with a humanoid torso and arms. They primarily moved about on their large muscular tails, as can be seen from their surviving art and the peculiar architecture of their ruins. Although they were possessed of a set of four limbs, their lower limbs form vestigial secondary arms. A "standing" Naga would have been slightly taller than an average human (about 2 metres tall), but their total length from nose to tail would have been nearly three times this.

Due to their unique physiology, the architecture of their ruins is often bafflingly hard to navigate. Although they principally relied on ridged ramps as stairwells, they would often employ poles around which to twine their bodies for swift ascent and descent. The construction of which is varied between great cyclopean stonework, and shimmering walls of impervious glass.

Some of the Naga are shown on the surviving statues and inscriptions as having cobra-like hoods. These hooded types seem to have been more powerful sorcerers and held in higher status. Although whether this physiology developed from increased sorcerous knowledge, or if it is a physical trait distinct to noble bloodlines is uncertain.

Like this, but with more arms

Empires of the Serpent Kings

Once they ruled over all the land they surveyed, now naught is left save the few settlements that have not been pillaged by the grubby mammals that succeeded them. In fact the great city of Babylon is built amid the towers of one of the old Naga cities, the great ziggurats and walls which have stood for thousands of years paling in comparison to the spires and towers of the Naga that rise beside them, dwarfing them in both size and antiquity.

The tombs, cities, and other ruins that lie undisturbed are always far up in mountain ranges, buried at the floors of deep chasms, or otherwise hidden from the thieving hands of earlier generations. Not that the Naga themselves built there, but rather the land itself has shifted in the millennia since their dominance [This is held as evidence for the theory that the planet itself is alive at a glacially slow pace and shrugs and writhes its skin in discomfort as humanity crawls mite-like upon its surface].

Their civilization was advanced enough to travel across the surface of the globe in an eyeblink, to raise great many spired cities of glass as strong as steel, vessels that sailed through the sky as mortal ships lough the waves, and devices that it is said could think for themselves. From what can be gleaned of their knowledge from the ruins and scraps of record recovered from the immeasurably ancient sites, the Naga possessed an advanced understanding of natural philosophy so complete as to bend the very world to their whims.

The Naga, whilst being all of the same breed, were not it seems one people. Their various cities and temples warred one with the other. Their devices and machines of war must have been wonders to behold. Energies that could have shattered mountains, and turned the very stones to glass. If anyone of this age were to discover such a device and how to use it, surely they could make themselves monarch of the whole orb against whom no army could withstand.

Some of the records of the Naga still survive, imprinted on bas reliefs in their surviving ruins, inscribed onto eldritch substances which look like the finest glass yet bend and fold like a new spring leaf, writing themselves in letters of fire across obsidian plates in front of the eyes of disbelieving dungeon delvers. Unfortunately, no-one knows how to read this language... yet. Many of the wisest of the Universities have come close, using powerful magics of understanding and deciphering and drawing on a vast trove of archaeological research, but there is always some missing piece. Such knowledge of the Naga civilization that exists comes from these exertions, but only fragments and inferences are really understood.

Perhaps something analogous to the Rosetta stone may be discovered, or one of the capricious Fey might be able to give some insight, or through some form of great necromancy the spirits of the long departed Naga themselves might be communed with. In any case, if even the slightest skerrick of sense could be made from these ancient writings then there would be a great rush to delve for the forgotten wisdom of these vanished people. 

Church doctrine of course equates the Naga with the biblical serpent, and hold that their association with magics is clear evidence (if more was needed) of the utter unholiness of such practices. As such, the church does all it can to convince the laity to avoid any trace of them, to shun their cities. They know they cannot influence or stop the incessant delvings of godless wizards (or other adventuring types) but where they can they will interdict any of the more accessible ruins, and destroy any heretical teachings and writings relating to the demonic Naga. Although it is whispered (in largely conspiratorial circles it must be said) that the majority of the miracles accomplished by the relics of the church are in fact the powers of Naga artifacts, obtained by the Church heirarchy through years of accumulated wealth and control of ancient Naga sites.

The cataclysm which destroyed the Naga is uncertain, whether it was the great movement of the planet to set it amongst the Orrery as the Kobolds maintain, or if they destroyed themselves in a great internecine war. Perhaps there was another explanation; a great plague, or a collapse of their civilization into barbarism, perhaps the meteorite that brought the Fey, or the coming of the Lich, or maybe they were all eaten by dragons. The truth will never be known, the only certainty is that the Naga are long gone from this planet for many ages of the world, leaving behind only their enigmatic ruins and artifacts more powerful than mortals should ever weild.

Dragon Roads

The great wonders of a lost age, these roads are straighter, more level, and more impervious to the elements than any road of mere earthly material that could be made in this fallen age. They are called Dragon Roads because folk wisdom holds that they were fused out of the living rock by the heat of dragonfire, however close inspection of the surface of these roads reveals them to be not of fused rock but of some other wonderous material impervious to all outside force. 

Curiously, there does seem to be some sort of lingering energetic connection between the Dragon Roads and the ancient magical items of the Naga. If a Naga magical artifact is brought into contact with a Dragon Road, all expended charges are restored. Almost like the road is somehow harvesting and storing magical energy.

Clarke's Third Law in action

Interestingly, unlike the lost Naga cities, or their precious and mysterious magical artefacts, the Dragon Roads tend to be well known to most people, as they invariably pass through modern settlements and cities. These great arteries are even more convenient to navigate than the steadiest of rivers, and run in dead straight lines across the land. There are a few great cities and settlements which have, though accident of politics and geography, flourished away from Dragon Roads, but for the most part wherever there are Dragon Roads that is where wealth and trade will flow. Due to their usefulness, and their ubiquitous nature across the land, the Dragon Roads seem to be one aspect of the lost civilization which the Church does not hold as inherently demonic, although there have been outspoken firebrand preachers that have railed against them as if they were forks.

Magical Artifacts

The Naga were masters of magic and technology, weaving the chaotic reality warping forces into safe and predictable mechanisms. Some of these are useful devices such as the Eyes of Night, or the Ring of Distant Touch. Some are completely obscure in their intended purpose, such as the myriad obsidian slates which are found in every Naga ruin some no bigger than a human palm, some the size of a folio book, all of which seem to serve no purpose; although some have reported such items displaying writing, or images, drawn from within the glass as if writ with fire; bathing things in an eerie glow before falling blank again (mostly these are used as fashion and decoration, attached to rich clothing or worked into large jeweled pieces). 

Some of the devices are weapons, weapons of terrible destruction. There are swords that glow with green fire and cut through steel as if it were warm tallow.  There are strange wands that emit gouts of flame that will burn a human to ash in seconds, and some that emit even stranger yet no less fatal energies. There are machines that, when improperly handled, release all the energies of a volcanic eruption, or so those who investigate the subsequent scenes of cataclysm theorize.

Fortunately for the modern mammalian inheritors of the planet, the physiology of the Naga was similar enough that most of the equipment can still be employed. Swords can still be wielded, rings and bracers can be worn, even eye pieces and crowns made for serpent heads, with some modern metalwork additions, can be adapted for purpose. Not all the commands or workings of these machines can immediately or intuitively be understood, and some experimentation may be needed. Best to hope you are not holding one of the great "turn a city to a puddle of glass" devices when you start fiddling with your latest treasure.

Sleeping Serpents

Not all the Naga are gone. Their great magical wonders allowed them to sleep the sleep of ages, stored away from the ravages of time. Perhaps they foresaw the coming of the great extinction that the creation of the Orrery would bring. Perhaps they are in hibernation from an even earlier age of the world, waiting out some great conflict which ended aeons before the coming of the stars. In shimmering clear tubes, encased in ice or glass, the last of the Naga await their time to rise again. 

What might awake these ancient beings? A band of tomb raiders exploring an ancient and forgotten Naga stronghold may come across these tubes and through their bumbling cause them to stir and spark to life once more. Perhaps a complex apparatus monitors the surface environment, awaiting the time when conditions will be habitable for the cold-blooded peoples once more. Perhaps it is merely a time delay, and at some specified point the legions of the old Empire will swarm out from long lost complexes. Perhaps, the Naga wait for the Dragons to wake, to take their place once more in a great reptilian alliance. 

What might the Naga want? Will they be willing to communicate, to try and share their knowledge with their newfound planetary neighbors? Or will they come from beneath the cities of the mammal usurpers bringing fire, sword, and sorcery to humble these upstart primitives. Will they come to reclaim their lost eminence? Will there be swarms, or a mere handful? An unstoppable army, or a tragic last echo of their kind?

Who can say...

What Lies Beneath

So, I love Veins Of The Earth. Who doesn't? It's stupid good! Anyway, I wanted to make some beasties to inhabit my own underground terror tunnels, and it would be nice for other people to have them too.

Rock Squid

Sometimes called a "rocktopus" by people who think they are being clever. This is a colossal cephalopod which has adapted to live in caverns. It is about the same size as a giant squid, having a body of about three meters, and limbs five meters long. It has not lost its ancestral ability to swim in aquifers or underground streams deep in the earth, but is equally likely to be found awaiting prey, its invertebrate form compressed into the smallest of spaces. Interestingly it also retains much of the camouflaging ability of its smaller aquatic cousins.

Rules Malarkey

HD 5

AC as Leather

Attacks #4 (Tentacle 1d6, Beak 1d10) or Special (see below)

Movement as humanoid (doubled when in water)

Special Abilities

Compressible: The Rock Squid is able to squeeze through any gap at least 30 cm (1') square and hide the entirely of itself inside a space 1 m cubed (3 cubic feet)

Camouflage: The natural chameleonic abilities of the Rock Squid allow it to hide in plain sight, such as pressed onto a wall. If unmoving the Squid counts as being invisible for rules purposes, although it can be detected by mundane means. 

Aquatic: The Rock Squid has no need to breathe when underwater, and doubles its movement speed when fully immersed.

Spiderclimb: The Rock Squid scrambles over cave walls with powerful suckers, and can move as easily on ceilings and walls as along floors.

Grappling Expert: When the Rock Squid is Grappling, it may devote additional attacks onto one target up to its maximum number. Every additional attack counts as if there was an additional Rock Squid assisting in the grapple. Any successfully grappled character takes an automatic hit from the Rock Squid's Beak.

Treasure: A cloak made of the hide of the Rock Squid will allow the wearer to utilize the Rock Squid's camouflage ability

Iron Weta

Unlike many of the other creatures of the depths, the Iron Weta is not naturally aggressive. About the size of a small cow, it is the natural prey of other creatures of the deeps. It survives by leeching nutrients and minerals from the rocks. Its chitinous hide is formed of carbon compounds and is harder than steel. Although not agressive, it is quite strong and will often attempt to bullrush those it regards as a threat. The best idea is to approach them gingerly, or not at all.

Like this, but big

Rules Malarkey

HD 4

AC as Plate

Attacks #1 (Bite 1d6) and Special (see below)

Movement as cow

Special Abilities

Bull Rush: If the Iron Weta has space to charge, it performs a much more devastating trample. As long as the Iron Weta can move in a straight line towards its target (including if it backs off and then charges forwards again) it increases its bonus to hit by +4, and its damage increases to 1d8. The target also must pass a strength test or be knocked to the floor.

Ferrophage: The Iron Weta, if attacking, will deal an automatic 1d4 damage directly to armour and equipment made of metal. Each point of this damage will destroy one point of AC of armour, or one encumbrance point of metallic equipment. Additionally, outside of combat, the Iron Weta will ingest one encumbrance point of  metal every round if it can reach it. Equipment made of bone, hide, or other non-metallic substance is unaffected.

Treasure: Armour or equipment made from an Iron Weta's carapace is proof against the Weta's Ferrophage ability as well as all other corrosive compounds.

Achromites

Sort of a cross between a termite and a scorpion. Also, about as big as a mountain lion. They spray corrosive venom, and their blood is acidic (I'm not plagiarizing! You're plagiarizing!). Inhabiting underground warrens burrowed out of the living rock, their nests (whilst vigorously defended) are a boon to the brave treasure hunter, as their spoil piles are often filled with gold and gems (which their venom will not destroy). It is best to be wary if spotting a creature far from its nest, as Achromites seldom hunt alone.

Ok, I am plagiarizing a little

Rules Malarkey

HD 2

AC as Chain

Attacks #2 (Claw 1d6, Tail 1d8 save against poison)

Movement double that of humanoid

Special Abilities

Acid Spray: Once per combat the Achromite can spray acid for 1d6 damage (save against blast in order to avoid). On a roll of 6 1 point of armour on the target is destroyed by the corrosive effect.

Acid For Blood: If maximum damage is rolled against the Achromite, the creature that did the damage takes 1 point of damage as a spatter of acid blood hits them. Additionally, when the Achromite dies it bursts apart in a gush of corrosive fluid drenching all creatures in direct contact for 1d8 damage.

Poison Sting: The tail of the Achromite has a poison sting intended to immobilize prey that it might be dragged back to the nest to be devoured alive. Any character stung by the Achromite's tail must make a save against poison or be stunned for 1d6 rounds (on a six they are stunned for an hour).

Treasure: The respect gained from having a body decorated with acid-scars

Guards! Guards!

"They may be called the Palace Guard, the City Guard, or the Patrol. Whatever the name, their purpose in any work of heroic fantasy is identical: it is, round about Chapter Three (or ten minutes into the film) to rush into the room, attack the hero one at a time, and be slaughtered. No-one ever asks them if they wanted to." -Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

This post is dedicated to those fine men.

Also, it is inspired (read: ripped off) from this post over on Of Slugs And Silver which is probably going to be better than anything I am about to write. Anyway, here goes.

Say you have some guards, or bandits, or other armed generic NPCs. They're your generic guard types, armed with a pointy stick and cased in leather, they all carry wicker shields which are only slightly worse than carrying nothing at all, but do at least make them look more official. Let us say, for the sake of argument, that they have a stat block:

HP: 5
AC: As Leather
Dmg: 1d6 Spear

That's really all you need if you want them to be generic background characters or a speedbump on the way out of the palace. But there's a lot you can do with guards, they can be gate guards to have information gathered from, they can be prison guards to be bribed or reasoned with, they can be generic set dressing that some PC just had to talk to and find out their life story. 

Now, you could have a whole bunch of fully fleshed out NPCs to populate every scene, but who has time for that? So for a quick way to add some character and tactical challenge roll for each guardsman on this table:

D12

1. Young, slightly naive and prone to nerves around confrontation or attractive people. Carries a sling. 
2. Bully who will take the opportunity to be cruel and victimise those over whom they have power, cowed by a show of superior force. Carries a crossbow and a cudgel.
3. Patient and calm, could be wise and thoughtful or slow and lazy, in either case willing to wait things out and unwilling to rush into things or jump to conclusions. Carries a bow and has +1 to perception and investigation
4. Professional and proud of it, less likely to take a bribe and more likely to play things by the book. Carries a sword and wields it with a +1 to hit
5. Brash and loud, full of bluster and unwilling to take lip. More likely to take offence and go rushing into things. Attacks twice on first round of combat. Carries an axe
6. Big guy, silent and sullen or possibly shy. Lets size and strength do the talking for them. Has +1 strength and 5 extra hitpoints
7. Coward who will be easily intimidated and shy away from physical confrontation. Happiest when there are more of their fellows to back them up. Carries a large tower shield to hide behind and has +2 AC because of it
8. Old and world weary, seen every trick in the book, happier to talk than to rush to physical confrontation but full of the tricks of experience if it comes to it. Wears a breastplate, spotted with rust but otherwise of good quality, AC as chain.
9. Greedy and more eager than most to take a bribe or get every advantage of any situation. Wears a fancy helm which can be sacrificed to avoid the damage of one hit. Carries 1d10 coins in a hidden pouch.
10. Sharp and clever, more willing to use their brain and cunning tricks, also likely to get too curious when they should keep their nose out of things. Carries a trap of some description (eg. caltrops, mantrap, tire spikes) which they will lay out if a fight starts in order to contain the movement of enemies. Can read and carries paper and writing equipment.
11. Friendly and outgoing disposition, could be genuine or a ruse to get people to let their guard down. +2 to persuasion and socializing checks. Carries a billhook which can be used to snatch away shields or do damage to worn armour, otherwise counts as a spear.
12. Sneaky, and sly, sticks to the shadows. Suspicious as all get out, and probably knows more than anyone about local shady dealings +2 on hiding, stealth, thieving and deception. Carries a brace of daggers.

Officers

For every certain number of guards there will be an officer who will lead them. Officers are, perforce, slightly above the cut of other guards. Say, a Sergeant for every five and a Captain for every ten.

Sergeant: roll twice on the table and combine

Captain: roll three times on the table and combine

After three rolls, you are getting into named character territory and may be better to use a PC statblock if you need one.

Investments in a Gold for XP Game

So, James Young of tenfootpolemic has a great post about mechanics for investments in his game world. You have versions of conservative vs. risky investment with more wildly fluctuating results at either end of the spectrum, and generally incentivises engagement with the game world. I've played in that world, and the investment mini-game becomes a fun little bit of business. However, it does require a lot of bookkeeping and reflecting on it started me thinking about the concept of investment generally, especially in a gold for XP system.

Gold For XP

The idea of gold for XP, from a game design perspective, is to incentivise going into dungeons and returning with loot. If you could just level up by remaining in town and waiting for your investment bonds to mature, there's a much lower risk vs reward ratio. One could of course disallow the investment of gold as against the spirit of the game, but it seems unfair to restrict player agency like that, and there wouldn't be much of a post here if it was just "Don't let people do that" 

So let us assume, for the sake of argument, that your players want to invest their gold but are now looking at the knock-on effects in a simple gold for XP conversion. How then, to square that circle? One could of course arbitrarily rule what does count as "XP worthy gold acquisition" but you would risk making all sorts of contradictory rulings. Do rewards from quests count? Does something have to be in an underground complex in order to count? Does violence need to be employed in the acquisition of wealth in order to progress on the XP track? All of these answers are slightly unsatisfying and require more bookkeeping on top of bookkeeping the investments.

You could of course go the other way, and allow your players to grow wealthy and powerful on the proceeds of their diversified portfolio. Possibly refocus the nature of your game onto industrial espionage and market domination. In which case, I guess you don't need this post. Go become an Adventure Capitalist!™

However, if neither ad-hoc rulings suit your temperament read on!

What Do Players Want?

Easy, kill monsters, take their stuff, level up... right? 

Ok, wrong train of thought. Why do players want to invest their money? Easy, so they can gain more money. However, why would they want more money? Money, in the words of Cody Johnston, is fake and money in an RPG world is appreciably more fake than that. So where is the value, other than obtaining an arbitrarily high number? 

I'm so glad I can find a Simpsons quote for every occasion

Players, and IRL people too I guess, want the security, status, and power that money can bring. So, why not directly translate to that rather than muss about with complex bookeeping? To that end I present what I hope is a pretty simple tiered system of investments to sidestep the gold for XP problem, as well as to provide a nice way to get gold out of the system, and to incentivise more wealth seeking behaviour.

Investing Made Easy

To summarise: investments do not make any money. They give social and material bonuses, but the liquid financial assets are reabsorbed into the investment.

For the purposes of this model I've broken down investments into three basic types: commercial, agricultural, and esoteric as I am trying to make this as broadly applicable as possible. 

Commercial: Shops, taverns, businesses, the like

Agricultural: Land, castles, the foundation of the wealth of the aristocracy

Esoteric: Temples, wizards towers, anything that doesn't really fall into the other boxes

The idea is that each tier of the investment hit increases the benefits which the investment grants, with the investment leveling up like a character. This way, if the PCs are actively working to grow their investment with in game action (rooting out bandit activity near their smallholding, spreading the word of their god to increase worship at their shrine, burning down competing businesses in the dead of night, etc.) it is easy enough to award "bonus investment" on the way to the next tier.

A note on costs: I have no idea what the basis of your game's economy is what with different people valuing gold, silver, and company scrip at different rates so I've based the starting point as the cost of full plate armour, since it is the final purchase for a character in the beginning game. After that piece of equipment, a fighter is pretty much at the apex of performance in terms of purchasable assets and will be looking for other things to sink money into... in other words, it is an entirely arbitrary large, but not inconceivable, number. After this, the cost between tiers grows exponentially, as more money for greater expansion. 

Level 1

Cost: 1000 Money Units

Your first level investment, whether it be a cheese shop, dairy farm, or shrine to the Cow of Heaven, will always be a single place tied to a specific location .This serves to anchor the investment as a real thing, rather than an ephemeral benefit giving device, and means that there is an anchored location that the investing PC is now tied to, however tenuously. 

The basic benefit common across all types of investment is that this is a house, a place to stay where the shelves are stocked with food, there is always a sleeping pallet, and you can lock the door at night. You always count as being in comfortable conditions for the purposes of recuperating whilst in your house.

Commercial: You have a single shop with an employee. The employee runs the shop, and can run simple errands for you in town, but is too taken up with running your business to accompany you anywhere adventurous. You can obtain up to 100 money units worth of mundane equipment from your shop each time you visit. You can convert this equipment into gold only if you transport it to another settlement (your shop is the market here after all, you would just be selling it back to yourself). You must be in the town, or location to gain the benefits. Your business can shelter you in comfort (such as a small apartment above a shop, or a state room in a tavern) and an average number of adventuring companions in rather more basic way (tavern common room, the floor of the shop after hours).

Agricultural: You have a smallholding farm. This is a small building surrounded by fields. You can always acquire a horse for yourself when you return here. There are assumed to be a number of peasants who till the fields, but at any one point the farm can spare a single farmhand to accompany you on your adventures. This farmhand has the qualities of a henchman, and will follow the rules regarding henchmen and morale but whose stipend is paid for by your investment. If your henchman dies, you can obtain a replacement by returning to your property and dragging off a different farmhand. Your farm can shelter you in and any number of adventuring companions in comfort, and all present may take as many rations as desired in the form of produce.

Esoteric: You have a shrine, library, or laboratory. Not so much an investment, as a price break on doing other things. When at your property, you are assumed to have all the necessary equipment you would need for research or currying divine favour. This one is a bit harder to model, as the mechanics for magical research vary so much across systems, but a price and time break of 10% seems reasonable. Also, whether from the divine aura, or many experimental magical potions, you and all your companions may regain all hitpoints for free when visiting. Your property can shelter you in comfort and an average number of adventuring companions in rather more basic way (rolling out mats on the floor of a chapel for example). Your property maintains one acolyte who oversees the day to day running of things, they are skilled and well financed enough to be able to source relatively rare spell components or the like, but nothing that would take more than a week to locate. They are taken up with the business of maintining the shrine/overseeing your lab/polishing floors, and cannot spare the time to come adventuring with you.

Level 2

Cost: 3000 Money Units

Commercial: You have a large business which is a going concern. Perhaps you have some small shops in nearby towns with one great emporium where you founded your business. In the town where you founded your businesst you can requisition up to 500 money units worth of mudane equipment. In any of these locations you can always be assured of  comfortable lodgings for your entire party. You also have a large enough staff that you can bring along a retainer to carry your bags. This will be an unskilled henchmen, and will follow the rules regarding henchmen and morale but whose stipend is paid for by your investment. In addition, although it will probably reflect poorly on you as an employer, if your henchman dies you may acquire a replacement at no cost next time you pass through your business' zone of control. Additionally your business is a source of extra information and gossip.

Agricultural: You have invested enough that you are considered a Landed Knight. You have a small fortified tower, or manor house surrounded by fields (this structure is eminently defensible against a sizeable host if need be). In addition to being recognized locally as one of the gentry, or at least more well born than the other ratcatchers in your group, you also have access to a larger range of assistance from your tenants. You now have, supported by your lands, a Squire (a first level fighter with sword, shield, and chainmail mounted on a palfrey), as well as two hirelings to serve as pages (henchmen). In addition to this, you can always reequip as knight when visiting here: you can pick up a replacement destrier, sword, lance, full plate armour, shield, or any other equipment which a knight may require.

Esoteric: In anticipation of pitchfork wielding mobs you have constructed a fortified wizard's tower, or if you are of a less suspicious bent perhaps you have built a temple. In any case you have a doting staff of acolytes, and a standing in the community. You also get a lot more free spell components when utilizing your investment. When you are actually at your property, all possible ingredients are available immediately. If something is particularly difficult to obtain (the heart of a unicorn or the tear of a fae for example) it may take a little time for your team to source it, but they will manage it eventually (named items and treasures will still need to be quested for: you can requisition a diamond, but you still need to meet Lao Che in order to obtain the Peacock's Eye. You can also spare a sorcerer's apprentice (or equivalent) who will accompany you as a henchman, but can read and write and will additionally add +2 to spell effects as they assist you in the field. If you are careless enough to lose them, you must return to your property to be issued with a new one. 

Level 3

Cost: 10,000 Money Units

This would be about as far as I would assume the average player would be bothered to invest to, but of course I could be wrong.

Commercial: At this point your business has multiple locations. Any large settlement in the immediate region of your original location has one of your outlets where you can draw resources from. Due to this wide ranging control of trade lanes you can easily requisition transport for yourself and your party, or have equipment ferried to you at an average speed (assuming you can get a messge to your organization somehow). When you are in a city you can requisition any mundane item regardless of cost, you can't generate money from these as the market you would be selling to is your own investment (what would you be spending money on in any case that you cannot get for free). When you are in a city large enough to have one of your outlets you and your party are always accommodated in lavish quarters for free, and additionally you have an army of staff capable of completing any mundane errand effectively instantly. You also have influence with any mercantile organizations, craft guilds, and city councils due to your economic influence. You can also be accompanied by a loyal agent who will grease palms, arrange meetings, and generally allow your wealth to grease the wheels of society for you (you don't have to actually arrange knowing the right people to bribe/threaten, it's done for you). 

Agricultural: At this point you have invested enough to be the local Lord of the Manor. You are the largest landholder in the immediate region, and are recognized as such. You have a title of nobility and will be accorded all the social standing of such. As a local magnate, you also have a gang or armed fellows who can accompany you on expeditions, or just going around the local villages in an impressive fashion to let them know who's boss; about a dozen first level fighters with hand weapon and shield, your basic city guard. Your manor is also upgraded to be a small castle, possibly just a little motte and bailey affair, however with supplies enough to support about fifty armed defenders which you can levy in times of war (your dozen are the only full time heavies that your estate retains). Your fortification will also have a blacksmith and a number of other artisans able to fabricate any weapons or armour, carts and tackle, a boat if your estate has a river or bay, and additionally you will be able to requisition any number of horses you might require to ensure your party can travel in a manner befitting retainers to a worthy of your station.

Esoteric: Your temple/wizard tower/tesla factory is now an organization of great note, and a formidable structure in its own right. You now have a magically warded/divinely consecrated base, within which you have essentially ultimate arcane power. You cannot die in your base, you can move the architecture around with a whim, you have infinite supplies of jaffa cakes, whatever you want and fits thematically... within the walls of your structure. All magical supplies that you might need are available to you at all times, spell research always works, you can chat to your god any time you want, and summoning demons is always secure. In addition to this you have a dedicated priesthood/group of acolytes who are able to perform minor magical tasks for you, and your sorcerer's apprentice is now a first level wizard/cleric in their own right. In addition to this you have a slew of parishioners/worshippers/skeleton servants/tech-bro fanboys who are able to perform menial tasks and labour in the surrounds of your property. You also have the respect, or possibly fear, of the nearest settlement and are treated with deference there, further afield people may actually have heard of you as a weird worker of wonders. If need be, you are now an appropriate big bad for a first level party.

Level 4

Cost: 50,000 Money Units

This is a point where the benefits become largely notional, and the idea of investing further is just to make big numbers bigger. At this point adventure hooks are likely to be generated by the investment itself, the obstacles to growth that must be overcome (see this post for more ideas).

Commercial: Your business, whatever it may be, has expanded to encompass the entirety of the polity it started in, and has stretched beyond its borders. You reliably have an outlet in any major settlement, inside or outside the starting "kingdom" and agents of your business can be found in most settlements that do not have an outlet. You can requisition materials, labour, and even political favours essentially anywhere you are likely to travel and there still be economic activity. Unless you are in a large city, you will still need to wait for your agents to travel back to one of your branches and send things via. You are also able to bring with you from any major settlement a staff of three retainers (maintained by your investment) who can be of any retainer variety you wish, and always count as being exceptionally well paid for the purposes of loyalty and morale. Your loyal agent also gains class levels in whatever the appropriate support class may be fitting to your game (may I suggest a Valet).

Agricultural: You are now the Baron. You are officially a noble of the blood, with lineage and prospects of marriage alliances with other great houses. Money can buy a lot of fancy family trees, and enough spilled ink to wash off even the most unseemly origins. You are not only recognized within the kingdom you started in as nobility, but internationally as well (with all the danger and opportunity that comes with that). You gains all the benefits of your property anywhere within the region it is located, as you are assumed to have several manor houses and hill forts as well as your main castle. When outside your local region you can rely on the obligations of your "cousins" (fellow nobles) to furnish you with lodgings for yourself and your retainers, as well as any small incidentals you may require. You can even reasonably expect this level of hospitality in foreign countries, as a respected noble of a foreign state. As has been observed before, it's expensive to be poor and really rather cheap to be rich. You also have political power within the region, certainly being the ruler of the local region the laws are yours to encode and enforce (although be wary of insurrection and revolution), and beyond your borders you are seen as a power in your own right. You also have a full compliment of soldiers, being a military unit of up to fifty assorted fighters equipped to your liking, and additionally can call the levies of your estates for more armed yeomanry (although this is really getting into wargame territory). You can drag a reasonable number of them along on adventures with you, however beyond your estates you will need to sort the logistics of feeding them all. You can also host, and be invited to, lavish parties to display your wealth to your noble peers. 

Esoteric: Your esoteric investment is now paying dividends beyond the confines of your town. Your acolytes and apprentices have been hard at work in forwarding your interests and a secret society now exists dedicated to supporting your cause. How secret depends on flavour of course, ranging from fan club level ("Password? Oh don't worry about that, it's our patron's favourite exlaimation 'Excelsior, true believers!' come on in, would you like to have a look at the latest literature?") to cloak and dagger isolated cells clandestinely spreading heretical occult knowledge. In any case, in any town or city you go to there is a chance to find one of your devotees; they will always be able to make themselves known to you clandestinely and are willing to support you and "arrange" for anything you might need to support your occult endeavours. These "favours" are less reliable than the overt economic and political powers of other investments, but will never be traced directly back to you. The magical aura of your original tower now extends over the nearest settlement. You are able to employ illusions, charms, mind control, and scrying powers at will within the town. You can definitely see why people might want to form a torch wielding mob/hire some adventurers to sort you out.

Level 5

Cost: 1,000,000 Money Units

At this level, it truly is a completely dominating effect. I would say that this is the maximum level for an investment, as there is no greater power or market share to be gained by pumping in more money. This is the maximum that the economy can bear.

Commercial: Your business empire has dominated the known commercial sector of the world. You have a major business in every single settlement, and you would need to travel many thousands of miles before you outran your trade routes. Anywhere you can conceivably go, you will have business connections and markers you can call in in order to requisition any material comfort or service you could possibly require. You have fleets of trading vessels, miles of caravans, legions of scribes and agents. You have a 2/3 chance of having any given political figure in your pocket and can sway policy decisions (although best to remember this is not mind control and they do not work for you they just owe favours). Money is essentially no longer an object to you, have you considered buying your way into the aristocracy?

Agricultural: Your star has risen through the firmament of the aristocracy and you have arrived at the rank of Earl with powers rivaling the King. You have recognition internationally as both a member of the highest tier of nobility and as a major power within your nation. You have political sway which can influence the decisions of kings and Emperors, and you have a small army to back it up. However, if you are going to continue filling your house with Tyrian carpets and fine silks, ornamenting yourself with precious gems, and lavishly spicing all the meals at your extravagent banquets, maybe you should consider investing some of your money in trade?

Esoteric: You have an established University or Temple that dominates intellectual discourse in the region. You are seen as a luminary, a great prophet, possibly a god-king to some; if anyone thinks of you as an evil sorcerer who must be destroyed they certainly think you are also too powerful to be assaulted directly or with less than an alliance of the great heroes of the age. This is the level of Thulsa-Doom's snake cult in Conan the Barbarian. You have a large cult of accolytes and apprentices, as well as a fanatical following of loyal underlings. You have hidden agents in every level of society, assassins and poisoners willing to do your bidding at a mere word. You have the resources and support to begin forging your own magic items fit to purpose. Your magical influence now stretches across the region your original site is located in, and most villages live in fear of you/rapturous devotion to you. Why would you need anything more, you're a super-cool wizard!

Liquidating an Investment

Sometimes you just need money fast. You can convert your business into capital essentially instantaneously. However, you only receive money units equal to the base cost of the current tier. For example, your honey business "Blood Honey 4 U" is currently at level 3, but you have been investing towards level 4, and have invested a total of 25000 money units. For some reason, you suddenly need to bribe a dragon to not burn down your town. If you sell your investment you will only receive 10000 money units (the cost of level 3), after all you are trying to get money fast!

Some Final Thoughts

So there you have it, a relatively easy to track, simple investment system that sidesteps gold for XP problems whilst modelling the social and financial advantages of having a large landholding or investment. It also explains why the tavern owner is a retired level 20 fighter, as their player made the first tier investment ages ago, and always meant to put in more but sort of let it slip their mind. I find it a bit better than the "automatically gain a stronghold when you reach level x" structure for this sort of thing, partly because it self selects the players who want to do that sort of thing, and also because that we obtain too cheaply we esteem too lightly and this is a good way to utilize the sunk cost fallacy to our advantage.

Anyway, I hope this is a useful (or at least entertaining) post. Please let me know if there's anything you think could be changed or modified, and definitely let me know if this is implemented (successfully or otherwise) in a game.

Alchemy

Firstly, alchemy is totally hilarious. Not just in RPGs, but in history in general. Although the thing that most springs to mind is the transmutation of lead into gold, and the pursuit of the Philosopher's Stone, there were actually a whole bunch of random other esoteric philosophical ideas and goals ranging from the creation of life in homunuli, to the distilling of the universal solvent, to the creation of a hermetic seal, to the study of the powers of planets and sacred geometry over their processes. It wasn't just turning things into other things.

Pictured: Not Alchemy

So to that end, let's look at some wacky pseudo-philosophy!


The Planets, Your Humors, and You!

All educated and intelligent people know that your health and temper are influenced by the conjunctions of the panets, and also by the balance of the four humors within your system. But what happens when the two of these coalesce and combine?

Four Humors

As everyone knows, the principle cause of all ailments is an in-balance in the humors: blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm. These elements can easily be seen in a simple experiment of drawing fluid from the veins. A dark clot forms at the bottom (the black bile), above the clot is a layer of red (the blood), above this is a whitish layer (the phlegm), and the top layer is clear yellow serum (the "yellow bile"). Each of these humors has a different seat where they are created within the body, a different season of the year and of life, and a different elemental construction.

Blood/Liver/Hot/Wet/Infancy/Air/Spring
Yellow Bile/Gall Bladder/Hot/Dry/Youth/Fire/Summer
Black Bile/Spleen/Cold/Dry/Middle Age/Earth/Autumn
Phlegm/Lungs/Cold/Wet/Old Age/Water/Winter

An imbalance of these leads to differing physical and emotional signs. Sanguine folk (those with an excess of blood) are friendly, they joke and laugh around and are far from serious, they are enthusiastic, active, and social. As for their appearance they are rose tinted, slightly red, and have pretty skin. Blood was the source of energy for the body and the soul (hence vampires drinking it)  The seasonal association of blood is the spring because the natural characteristics found in individuals was associated with being hot and wet.

Yellow bile was associated with a choleric nature: bitter, short tempered, daring, ambitious, decisive, and aggressive.It was thought to be fluid found within the gallbladder, however it could also be found in excretions such as vomit or feces. The associated qualities for yellow bile are hot and dry with the natural association of summer and fire. It was believed that an excess of this humor in an individual would result in emotional irregularities such as increased anger or behaving irrationally. Physically they would appear greenish and have yellow skin. 

The melancholic are over supplied with black bile and are lazy, fearful, and sickly, also often discontented with the political system. Depression was attributed to excess or unnatural black bile secreted by the spleen. Cancer was also attributed to an excess of black bile concentrated in a specific area.The seasonal association of black bile was to autumn as the cold and dry characteristics of the season reflect the nature of man.Often they have black hair and black eyes, or maybe they just dress in black to match their mood. 

Phlegm was associated with a phlegmatic nature, thought to be associated with reserved behavior, to be low spirited, and thoughtful. Phlegm was used as a general term to describe white or colorless secretions such as pus, mucus, saliva, or sweat. Phlegm was also associated with the brain, possibly due to the color and consistency of brain tissue. The seasonal association of phlegm is winter due to the natural properties of being cold and wet. The phlegmatic were supposed to have white hair, possibly reflecting the winter of a human life. 

If all your humours are in balance, you will have a perfectly balanced personailty, and will be in peak physical health, this condition is known as being Leukine.

The humours were believed to be formed through a process of digestion, ergo your diet was intrinsically linked to your physical and emotional health. Certain foods were thought to be heating (garlic, onions, horseradish, ginger, chicken, eggs, duck, lamb, wheat, sesame seeds, walnuts, lemons, apples, and olives), and certain foods thought to be cooling (milk, fresh cheeses, mint, lettuce, cucumber, fish). Likewise certain things were held to be dry (beans, pomegranates, asparagus, dried fruits, aged cheeses) and certain foods wet (milk and dairy products, bananas, avocados, coconut, fresh cheeses, yogurt). Incidentally, this is the origin of describing certain drinks as paradoxically "dry" (a dry white wine for example).

Seven Planets

As we well know, there are seven planets, each having its own influence on Alchemy and the Humors.

Sun ☉
Metal: Gold
Organ: Heart
Humor: Hot (Blood/Yellow Bile)

Moon ☽
Metal: Silver
Organ: Brain
Humor: Cold (Black Bile, Phlegm)

Venus ♀
Metal: Copper
Organ: Kidney
Humor: Leukine

Mercury ☿
Metal: Mercury
Organ: Lung
Humor: Phlegm

Mars ♂
Metal: Iron
Organ: Gall Bladder
Humor: Yellow Bile

Jupiter ♃
Metal: Tin
Organ: Liver
Humor: Blood

Saturn ♄
Metal: Lead
Organ: Spleen
Humor: Black Bile

So what does this all mean to me?
Well, first of all I thought you might find it interesting (shows what I know, you ungrateful sods), but also there's definitely ways to make this gameable. The first and most obvious is to make for potions for various effects require the constituent alchemic elements. For example: you want a potion of resistance against fire? Well, you'll be wanting to increase your yellow bile and blood by ingesting a spicy, peppery, ginger wine infused with sesame oils and distilled to a tincture as Jupiter and Mars cross the path of the sun.

On second thoughts, you might instead need to counterbalance the heat by increasing the cold humors of phlegm and black bile? Who knows! That's what test subjects are for!

Or perhaps you need to render yourself immune to air based poisons, you will want to increase the power of your lungs by concocting a potion of mercury suspended in milk.Wait, mercury is already poisonous? Well, I don't know, you'd better combine it with a bezoar or unicorn horn or something.

Zodiac
Additionally each of the signs of the Zodiac are also associated with a certain body part, which might interact with alchemic healing or the distilling of potions. Obviously if you are concocting a potion for the clarity of thought you will want to use a cooling draught distilled when Mercury is in Aries in order to increase the phlegmatic humours in the head. However, make sure you don't mix up your constellations and planets! Otherwise you could be ushering all sorts of humours and fluids to the wrong point!

Aries Head and Face
Taurus Neck and Throat
Gemini Shoulders, Arms, and Hands
Leo Heart and Back
Cancer Breast, Stomach, and Lungs
Libra Kidneys and Loins
Virgo Guts and Belly
Scorpio Genitals and Bladder
Sagittarius Thighs
Capricorn Knees
Aquarius Legs
Pisces Feet